On My Night Stand - Amy Poehler Yes Please

I've got a bit of a crush on Amy Poehler. What a wonderful human being! I seriously can't get enough of her words. If you follow me on any of my social media accounts, you would've seen me sharing some of her fabulous quotes over the last year. I was trying to decide which one to share with you on here, but I honestly can't choose just one. I've lost count of the amount of times I've sat nodding my head enthusiastically at her words of wisdom and just complete sense. Instead, I implore you to head over to Pinterest and just search Amy Poehler. I've even taken the hard work out of it for you, click 'here' to go straight to that search and just have a read for yourself some of the outstanding things this woman has said. Be prepared to be inspired. 

A gorgeous and very thoughtful friend of mine got me Yes Please for Christmas. I'm really enjoying it. It's a kind of biography, with lots of information about Amy and her life. Her insights on life lessons learned and generally her wonderful words of wisdom. I read a lot of self help books, thrillers and forensic/investigation type fiction and this is a refreshing change from the usual. I love it. It's sending me off to sleep with a big smile on my face every night. Which is quite a rarity for me. I usually go to bed worrying about something or making up stupid scenarios in my head (dam anxiety) Reading something like this is helping me switch off and sleep well. Thanks Amy (and to my lovely friend) for helping me get my sleep back on track.

Decorating Inspiration - project living room

It's taken a good year, but we're finally starting to make the house look like ours. When we moved in the house had been decorated for selling and not to our taste at all! The first thing we did was to rip down the wallpaper and paint the rooms that were looking a bit tatty with a neutral colour palette. The rest we've been gradually working on. 

I've spent the last year pinning my heart out, coming up with ideas for each room. Gradually buying a few bits here and there. But with things starting to take shape, I thought I'd share with you my plans for the house and the latest purchases that I'm loving.

PROJECT LIVING ROOM 

My current focus is the living room (or as Mother calls it, 'the lounge'). We've (I say 'we' it wasn't we at all, it was my husband and friend) painted the whole house in Dulux Timeless. I change my mind often, so the neutral colour allows us to accessorise in whatever colourways we're feeling at the time. Our house is also very small, so it brightens it up and gives us lots of room to use our imagination. 

White walls mean lots of options. Which I'm very excited about. But it also means it looks pretty bare at the moment. So I'm slowly building up a collection of decorations to fill the white space. It's especially noticeable since we took the Christmas decs down. (Does Christmas feel like it didn't happen to anyone else?)

The base colours for the room are black, grey and white tones. I'm adding colour with accessories in pastels, gold, bronze and copper.

PRETTY PRINTS AND PASTELS

Along the back wall we have a shelf which I've filled with a couple of prints, some plants and candles. Last year I bought a gorgeous print by Jordan Andrew Carter - visit his shop 'here' - which sits nicely on the shelf. 

There was still a lot of white space to fill, so I ordered a mint and gold paper garland, from Funky Frills on Etsy, to fill it.

What you can see is 50ft of garland which we've draped across the back wall. I love it. It highlights the gorgeous pastel colours of Maurice Bear and adds a subtle bit of colour to the room which I can now use as inspiration for the rest of the room.

Despite the pretty pictures and the crisp white walls, the room felt like it was missing something. With this being the area you walk straight into and the wall that's on show, the radiator just looked out of place, so we got a white radiator cover from ScrewFix. It was only £80 but it has made a huge difference to the look of the room. Tidied up that back wall and made a feature out of something that was just an eyesore before.

MY CANDLE OBSESSION

I love candles and have loads of scented ones on the shelves and tables around the house. The White Company are my current favourites. (I blame my friend Jess for this obsession - her house always smells amazing because of the candles and now I can't stop buying them!) Their Winter scents have been filling our house over the Christmas period and I've got my eye on their new Lime and Bay fragrance, the Noir and Twenty One collections. I'm also coveting the Neom candles. Oh my shelves need some of those beauties. When the pennies aren't flowing quite so freely, I've been opting for Ikea's scented candles in a glass. They're around 89p each and smell wonderful. They don't last as long, but the glass holders are great for holding tea lights after.

SUCCULENTS

Oh how I love a succulent. I'm building up quite a collection. But I keep killing them! I haven't done too badly, but there's a few that are looking slightly worse for ware. Still, they look great and I'm going to be looking for more to put around the house.

I've also bought some bakers twine to make a macrame holder for the corner of the back wall (it'll go to the left of the garland above the chair). It's an empty space at the moment and needs filling. I'm not very good at DIY though, so I'll probably end up buying something instead. I want a nice big plant holder to go in it, with some sort of draping plant. Although I may opt for a fake variety, as my current track record isn't going so well.

SHELVES

We have two new shelves in one of the alcoves by the back door. They need filling with prettiness, so I'm currently looking for things for this.

It's looking quite sparse at the moment. So far, I've bought the gold pineapple which was £12 from Home Sense, we got the letters years ago (we need an M!), the gold star is from a lovely little shop in Pershore called Persora (it's now in the sale for £6! Bummer for me, bonus for you!)  I'm going back to get some more things from here. I've got my eye on an LED light (and may have ordered a few bits in the sale too!) The black and gold candle holder was from Primark and the vase I've had for years. It's all just sitting there waiting for new friends to get some styling going on. For now, I've been keeping my crystals on there because it's in the sunlight for a lot of the day. Cleanse baby!

THE FIRE PLACE

The previous owner, for some reason, blocked the fireplace and replaced it with an ugly grey board. We have the TV on the wall above it, so it's not my favourite part of the room, but I'm making it better with the addition of my new light box. I couldn't resist jumping on this band wagon.

It was £30 from This Modern Life we're having fun leaving messages for each other.  And I'm already regretting not getting the extra letters at the same time. Doh!

The string lights were also from This Modern Life (love the shop, great products, good price and brilliant service - check it out), the star light was New Look and the Skull was Cox and Cox a few years back (I won it in a competition!). 

EVERYTHING ELSE

I've never been one for ornaments. We've had other homes together, but we always knew they weren't forever so we never really got into styling the rooms and as we bought our first house together 7 years ago our taste has changed and I've ditched most of the stuff we originally had. We won't be in this house forever, but I know the style I want for us now so when I spot something I love, it comes home with me. I'm loving finding new stores. Here are a few of the other things I've bought lately. 

My Mum got me this beautiful owl plant holder from an shop in Bath, I can't remember the name of it, but it was a lovely shop. The bronze candle holder was a cheapy from Primark. 

We were given this Ikea chair by some lovely friends. The room is really small, so we haven't got space for an arm chair as well as the sofa, but this chair fits perfectly. My Coco De Mer 'Peacock' cushion loves its new home! 

We're using half of the 'L shape' sofa we've had since we lived in our first place together. We had this gorgeous open plan living/kitchen area, so we got a huge sofa to fill it. Great for the flat, not so great for this room. But, because we don't know how long we'll be here, we're not buying anything new and this is just going to have to do. Same goes for the carpet. Ideally I'd like to get the whole downstairs fitted with wooden floor. But I don't want to spend the money on something we won't get to benefit. 

We have a couple of bookcases too, filled with M's books and colouring books, some candles, decs and more books. My husband and I have very different taste in reading material! 

And that's where I am right now. On the hunt for more loveliness to fill the shelves, which I'll share with you as I buy it. 

My next project is our bedroom. Which needs a lot of work and I'm finishing off M's bedroom too. I'll share his room with you next. 

Where's your favourite place for home decor? You can also follow my inspiration on my Pinterest board 'here'. 

Opening up about my Struggle with Anxiety

The start of the New Year can be pretty challenging for a lot of people. For me, it's one of the hardest times of year. We're lucky enough to be able to have two weeks at home together over the Christmas period. It's just been the three of us for two whole weeks. With no deadlines or to do lists. It's felt safe. But with the deadline of January's reality looming, my demons are out in full force. This year though, I know I need to do something about it.

Looking back, I've always suffered with anxiety. I just didn't know how to label it. Depression was diagnosed and treated. I know that mist and I can talk about it and keep it under control most of the time. But dealing with anxiety is new for me. Not because I've only just started to get it. But because I've only recently admitted to myself that, that is in fact what I've always suffered with.

Anxiety isn't a taboo subject any more. Thanks to the likes of Buzzfeed and The Huffington Post's regular articles and advice, and the brave folk who have come forward and opened up about their sufferings and how they manage it, people like me now have a label for the fear we've been feeling all these years.

I read about it a lot. I join in conversations with people talking about it. Often giving advice to others. But when it comes to me. I can't talk about it.

I've sat, locked in my bathroom sobbing, as my husband sits downstairs unaware of the thoughts and fears that have been taking over my mind whilst we sat watching TV. My heart beats faster, my skin gets hotter, my jaw clenched, as I try to fight it. Fight the ridiculous thoughts that pop up. My son's stopped breathing in bed (I can hear his snores on the monitor!), the front door is unlocked, someone could get in (I've just checked the door, for the fifth time that evening, it's locked). The thoughts are different every time. They're the extreme worse case scenario that life could throw at me at any point. They feel so dam real.

I'll sit in the bathroom trying to compose myself. I breathe. Eventually I calm and pep myself up to go downstairs and tell my husband what's happening. I know I need help. I'll walk down the stairs, rehearsing the opening line trying not to make it sound so dramatic. I take a deep breath, walk into the room. Sit down and act like nothing's happened.

I've honestly lost count of the amount of times I've done that in the last few years. And not just at home. It's happening more and more when I'm out too. But time after time I keep it hidden.

By the time I'm faced with someone to talk to, I've calmed myself down and reassured myself and talking about the thoughts that had just been so real in my head, now feels stupid. I know he wouldn't think it was stupid. But I do. And that's why I find it so hard to talk about it.

The night before taking our son to see Father Christmas, I lay in bed for two hours going over every detail of my husband's (imaginary) affair. This time he'd got her pregnant and I was going through all the details of how I'd get myself and my son through it. How I'd cope as a single parent. The anger and the heartbreak felt real. The tears came again. I couldn't shift it. With my husband and son fast asleep, I took myself downstairs and watched mind numbing TV until I was too exhausted not to sleep.

The next day, my son's excitement got me through the morning, but by the afternoon the exhaustion turned into a huge anxiety attack. I took myself off. But there was no hiding it. Then I had to talk about it. How I've been feeling, not sleeping. I glossed over the details. But at least I got something out. And since then I've felt more at ease.

This is something that's been getting worse over the last few years and it's massively effected my life in the last year. It's affected my relationship with my husband in a big way. Not being able to talk about the tricks my head plays on me, has put a barrier up for talking about anything to anyone. I've become more withdrawn from the people around me. And it's taking its toll.

I have made some adjustments to try and help. I've taken a step back from negative influences and made my home life a priority. As well as making time to look after myself. But the truth is, it's not working. The dark side of my mind is trying to take over and I know I need to do something about it.

Of course, no one who knows me will know any of this. As I said, I don't talk about it and when I'm suffering, I take myself off. I don't see anyone during the bad times so no one knows.

I'm writing this post as my first step to getting help. I know it might seem a bit strange. It's not a cry for help and I'm not looking for sympathy. It couldn't be further from that in fact. Because sympathy makes me feel like a right idiot. I just finally had some of the words and the courage to open up about it. And it felt like the right way to start the ball rolling - as they say!

With my husband going back to work tomorrow, I've been stewing over my thoughts more than ever. My safety net won't be here all day every day and I've got to tackle the world on my own again. I felt strong enough today to say. 'Yep, I need to get myself some help. I can't do this on my own any more.' I'm hoping this is the first step on my way to feeling a little more like me again.

Here's to 2016. Bring it on you bitch.